So I've been trying to blog every day. I did for two days. Then I forgot. I've been really exhausted the last few weeks, like so exhausted I have to suck down coffee at work to stay focused. Caffeine and I have become amicable. I used to avoid it because it made me really jittery. Now I compromise and try to drink decaf at least.
Two weeks ago I woke up with my hands bright red in the area between my thumb and pointer finger. A red, flat rash type of thing. But it wasn't caused by allergies or anything. And it really wasn't a rash, per se. (Why am I blogging about rashes? Ew.) I had some other things going on, too, like joint pain. I chose to ignore it, thinking that it was just a new manifestation of an auto-immune disease I have (Crohn's).
Fast forward to this past Friday. My hands had faded to tan/brown, but the areas are still discolored. I was on Google trying to see if anyone else had anything similar, and things like Lupus, Lymphoma, and Sepsis were coming up. I opened a link to a forum thread where a woman is talking about how life-threatening sepsis can be (blood poisoning) and how you need to get to an emergency room asap. I read the symptoms aloud (I had maybe 3) and my boyfriend became more concerned. What if I did have sepsis and was going to drip dead because it was too late? I decided for peace of mind to head to the ER and see what was up. I didn't have any faith that docs would have an answer. I was right. They were baffled. Blood tests were done and everything checked out A-ok. The only thing they could say was what I already thought: it was a manifestation of the disease and I should keep an eye on it.
All the writing I needed to start on Friday was pretty much postponed due to two hours in the ER. Honestly, I was tired. So I went to bed early. I told myself I would wake early and get everything out of the way: finish tweaks on novel one, write 10 pages for novel two, and some other things. Nope. I totally slept in. But then I made myself get some writing done that absolutely had to get done.
Everyone is asking for my time these days, and I don't have enough hours in the day for my day job writing and school and freelance and books one and two. I have to say "no" a lot and people don't understand. I am up to my ears in writing and holding on for dear life.
I always get angry at myself for not accomplishing more. Writing is hard. There are periods where I don't write for weeks. Half because of fear, half because things need to be "right" to go down on paper, otherwise I get even more frustrated. Yeah, I'm kind of a perfectionist. On Monday had to write the first page of my novel for the MediaBistro class I'm in. I wasn't ready, but time was running out. So I wrote something that was a decent start, but things need fixing. I tell myself to just sit down in the damn chair and write, but I can't just write.
I'm sitting here right now when I could be writing. But I'm not. And there's this conflict going on inside where once voice is screaming, "Time's running out! You're never going to get an agent if you keep stalling!" And the other voice is saying, "God, I'm so tired. All I want to do is read a book for fun, eat pizza, and sleep on the couch." This voice is winning. I really am tired. Really. But then I remind myself that hard work will pay off and that I shouldn't give up now because I am so close to getting an agent. It's okay to say "no" to people and it's okay that they don't understand why. I am lucky I am still healthy enough to write.
I wish I could open myself like a bottle and pour out a story.
But, it's not that easy. Trust me.
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